When you begin a journey, you have a path and goal in mind. You can envision what things will be like at the end of the journey. But sometimes things don’t go as planned and your journey takes a turn that you had never thought was possible. When this happens you can feel so many different emotions: Fear, Disappointment, Anger, Loss, Betrayal, Failure, Confusion and Regret. When you are still on that journey and these things happen it’s hard to make since of everything. What happened? How did it go so wrong?
Currently I’m on one of those journeys. It’s hard to write about it when I’m still in the middle of it. I don’t know how I will feel when it’s over or what good I will be able to take from it. Right now it’s just all jumbled up. My emotions about it change so often, it’s like being on a roller coaster.
This journey started out as one to grow our family. We wanted another child. Since I cannot have anymore child, we looked at adoption. We went through all the frustrating paperwork and the parenting classes. We sat through seminars and had testing done. And we waited and waited. Almost a year from starting the process we received our first referral. It was for 2 little girls. We struggled over what to do. We didn’t plan on adopting two. In the end we make the right decision and said that we could not handle two more children. At that time I started to rethink whether this was a good decision for us – to adopt. I was happy with my family. Adopting from Russia can be risky.
But shortly after turning down that referral we received another one, this time for one child. We did all the stuff you should do. We had a doctor look over her medicals. We looked up things on our own. And we talked about what we should do. We decided to travel to meet the little girl. In the end we decide to adopt the little girl.
This is where our journey started to change. Things seemed to be going well. The problems we had in Russia were explained away as normal or just temporary because of the adjustment. But we soon realized that these issues were problems. We were not told everything. We were told half-truths about this little girl. The doctor we hired in Russia did not translate some information properly. The issues were causing many problems in our family. Our other children were being negatively affected by the behavior of this child. Our family had changed, but not for the better. I could not believe what I did to my family. I was scared that I made a huge mistake that would cost my entire family. It was a heartbreaking time and a very confusing time.
After talking with experts and other families, we decide that we were not a good fit for this little girl. She needed a different environment. She needed a smaller family, where she could get much more of the attention she needed. The feeling of failure and loss was so great during this time. How could this have gone so wrong? What was the point of all we went through: in time, money and emotion? Not everyone understood our decision. Some were very angry and difficult about our decision and made the whole process worse. We were not happy about having to dissolve the adoption but we needed to do what was best for our entire family.
Luckily, I met some wonderful people that help us through all the ups and downs of making this hard decision and then going through the process of the disruption. We were blessed in finding a family that was a good fit for the little girl. She has now lived with them for two weeks and things are going well. We are awaiting a court hearing to revoke our rights as her parents, so this other family can adopt her. It’s still a time for healing and understanding, but we are on our way to a better place.